A little humour for today.

"Svend" (svend) 04/15/2016 at 14:07 • Filed to: None

26

19

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

.

.

A guy goes for a job as a prison officer.

The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start?”

The guy says “No thanks, I don’t drink coffee.

The interviewer asks “Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job?”

The guy says “I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn’t stop me performing my duties as a Prison Officer”.

The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position.

He says “The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700.

The guy asks why and the interviewer says “Well, for the first two hours we all stand around scratching our balls and drinking coffee, and there’s no point you coming in for that.

.

.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Party-vi > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:12

2

A++

TractorPillow > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:15

0

R/jokes fan I see!

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:16

7

Man walks into a bar with carrying a chunk of asphalt. Says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer,” points at asphalt chunk and continues, “and one for the road.”

~

The invisible man marries the invisible woman. They live together happily ever after, but their children aren’t much to look at.

~

Two antennas on the same roof meet and get married. The wedding was boring but the reception was great!

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:18

2

Brb.

*leaves to buy a hat*

Svend > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) 04/15/2016 at 14:19

2

Just remember this is not one of those ‘no pictures, it did not happen’. Okay!

Azrek > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:19

2

I could do the Guinness challenge. But I’d be hosed for the rest of the evening and $500 richer...if I remembered it. Likely wash the cash and notice it in the dryer.

This is like bragging I am known at bars like Norm. “Hey, Norm!”

fhrblig > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:23

3

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Svend > Azrek 04/15/2016 at 14:32

0

My record is 22 pints of Guinness and half a bottle of scotch in one night, it was St. Patrick’s Day after all.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:33

3

Dear god...

Nothing but respect lol

Brian, The Life of > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:38

5

Yay dad jokes! I love dad jokes.

A ham sammich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Beerkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

I used to work at a calendar factory but I got fired for taking a couple days off.

Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the Hell out of it.

Why can chicken coups only have two doors? If they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.

Two guys walk into a bar ... the third guy ducked.

Svend > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 04/15/2016 at 14:39

1

It was a good night. Went home with a friend with two Japanese lasses.

Azrek > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:41

0

Damn, I am close. Not sure how you did the Scotch. St. Patricks Day in Dublin in ‘08 I had 13 Guinnesses BEFORE I went into town (beers were half off in the hotel if you were a guest), finished around 8 more in town, 3 Beamish and had some Poitin before my stomach said it was full.

Yeah, our livers are well fortified.

bobbe17 > Brian, The Life of 04/15/2016 at 14:42

9

Why can chicken coups only have two doors? If they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.

Unless they’re BMW chicken coups. Then they can have as many doors as they want.

Svend > Brian, The Life of 04/15/2016 at 14:46

2

Jesus walks into a bar and says .....
“I’ll just have water”

.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, “Just use a f***ing spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”

.

Man gets bored whilst shopping with his wife, she feels sorry for him and gives him £5 telling him to go for a pint and meet her at their bus-stop in an hour. He wanders aimlessly round town and somehow finds himself in the red-light district. Simply being curious he asks one of the girls “How much?” The girl replies, “Forty for all the way, twenty for oral or a tenner for manual.” The man explains he only has £5. The girl tells him, “Sorry, but you won’t get much for a fiver.” The man shrugs and continues to wander, finds a pub, then goes to meet his wife. While they sit together waiting for their bus the same working girl he spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognises the man. She shouts over... “Told ya you wouldn’t get much for a fiver!!..

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Svend 04/15/2016 at 14:49

2

Sounds like a great way to end a great night

Svend > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 04/15/2016 at 14:59

1

Back in the day (strange saying) we used to work hard and party much much harder. No regrets.

Svend > Brian, The Life of 04/15/2016 at 15:04

1

Why do married men tend to be overweight while bachelors are more thin?

Bachelors go to the fridge, don’t see anything they want, and go to bed.

Married men go to bed, don’t see anything they want, and go to the fridge...

Dusty Ventures > Brian, The Life of 04/15/2016 at 16:39

2

I do confess the last one is one of my regulars

redram > Svend 04/15/2016 at 17:24

0

A guy shows up at the bar. The doorman stops him and says, sorry, this is a formal establishment. You have to be wearing a tie to get in. The guy goes back to his car, looks around, no tie. Undeterred, he takes the jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and heads back to the bar. The doorman stops him again, looks him up and down, and says, ok, I'll let you in this time, but don't start nothing.